I just came from reading this post off KC's blog and just had to comment.

I'm surprised at how a lot of what Khayce says is not generally taken as self-evident. A lot of violence is about control rather than inflicting pain, in the same way rape is about power and not sex.

Here is an excerpt off the original post:

Those who know me would know that I never sympathise with women who are in abusive relationships. Of course I am speaking of women who choose to be in abusive relationships, who despite the fact that their spouses/boyfriends treat them like dirt, continue to remain in the relationship for whatever reason. I don't include in this list women who are in it by coercion, women who are in it due to blackmail (even these I wonder why doesn't she just go to the cops), etc. I am speaking specifically of girls who "like bad boys" and then cry buckets over a busted lip.

Now, there is a lot of unpacking to be done here. I am familiar with the type of phenomenon Hades refers to. Some girls do tend to be attracted to men who are less than fine, upstanding pillars of the community. I myself have been nursing a secret crush on someone I know is Not Good For Me, as readers of this blog may have noticed. But to imagine that this sometimes unfortunate tendency of women to go out with 'bad boys' to be the only reason why abused women stay in relationships is somewhat oversimplifying the issue.

I agree with many of the arguments raised by KC and so will not go over the most obvious ones again. (i.e. abusive partners do not necessary look like gangsters, it starts small... etc) Here is what I wrote in his comments page:

I agree that Hades' argument is somewhat flawed. It reveals a certain lack of understanding of human psychology. I went and posted a comment before I read the rest of your post, but didn't bring that point up. Instead I pointed out that the material circumstances surrounding the victim may be a deciding factor in whether to go or stay-- some women literally have no place else to go and could end up on the streets. Of course we could argue that there is no lack of organisations who dedicate themselves to the cause of supporting victims of domestic violence, but if we are to be realistic and look at the demographics, most abused (let's be honest) women aren't very educated and are from very poor backgrounds with little family support. To their minds these organisations may even end up taking sides with the abusive partner! Oh heck it, I'm gonna continue this on Glor's blog.

*I am aware that this last point (idea that authorities may side with abusive partner) may need some elaboration as it is not immediately obvious how this could be. However, I seriously can't be bothered. The literature is out there, this phenomenon is fairly well-documented and accepted, take it as you will.*

The physical conditions mentioned above, I would argue, are only a small albeit important part of the picture. Control isn't all physical. Sometimes, it doesn't even need to be consciously exerted. Violence is one tool for the exercise of control. Threats do not have to be physical. Control doesn't even have to emanate from a person, it may be self-imposed. Consider the sometimes oppressive feeling in our very own society that we have no choice to do well in school, to do well at work, to frame our interests in a way that is acceptable to general society. (On a side note, I'd just like to point out that 'rebelling' against something and declaring yourself 'wierd' and 'alternative' reaffirms the thing against which one rebels in the first place). Of course I speak of societal pressures, but no one is consciously going around telling people what they can or cannot do; the pressure is systemic. I use the word 'control' here loosely, to indicate the forces by which a person's choices may be circumscribed.

Take this down to the micro-level of family. I would go so far as to argue that the psychological aspects of control, which are more insidious and also more widespread, are the major cause of abused women staying in destructive relationships. Khayce has eloquently made the point (in fewer words than I, sadly for me) that it starts small, and before you know it, you don't actually have a support network. Those of us who have been in long term relationships know how easy it is to put our partners first, especially if said partners appear to need/want support. Just think of this common scenario: man says I love you, can't live without you, you are the only one who understands me and all that I have. Soon, all your attention and energy goes toward making this person happy. There is a term for this in pop-psych circles: emotional vampirism. After you have invested so much into a relationship, it is difficult to give it all up. Being able to 'take someone for granted' is in fact a measure of control. Obviously, having very happy times and great make-up sex in between only compounds this difficulty.

Hey, don't knock it. It may seem very evident to us what's going on in such relationships, but to those involved, it might appear part of the 'ups and downs' that all couples go through. After all, what strengthens a relationship more than a little drama? In truth, sometimes the martyred feeling one gets on seeing your partner through a difficult patch gives us the impression(illusion?) that one is being a good and loyal girlfriend/boyfriend. Hands up those who've been told, 'she's making use of you!' who've said, 'no lah, I'm just being a good *fill in blank* to her'. What do I say? Control.

Hades would probably argue, fair enough that emotional manipulation on the part of abusive partners may be why their victims stick around, but when it starts getting physical, surely it is time ot leave? I agree. I think most sensible women would have a strong enough sense of self-preservation to leave. To some extent it is the woman's own fault if she stubbornly refuses to listen to her friends and family and refuses to open her eyes to the true situation. But we have to acknowledge that there are many other factors at play here, including the possible presence of kids and ther material exigencies.

Arguably, being subject to psychological violence short of physcial violence may be even more damaging on a woman's psyche than being hit all the time. The constant threat of something can be more terrifying than the actual thing happening. Living in a city which is collectively holding its breath in constant preparation for a terrorist attack teaches you that most violence occurs in the realm of the mind.

Have you read of instances where women actually fall in love with their rapists? That's a totally different point but the idea is the same-- it's all in the mind and sometimes completely irrational. One other thing to take away from this discussion is that there should be no value-judgment when dealing with such strange phenomenon. Maybe this is a wishy-washy GP-type view that I'm advocating (or maybe just cos I'm a girl), but I truly think that allocating blame is seriously counter-productive. I know we can't help it because that's just the way we think; there's lots of research to show that polemic discourse is the norm in most cultures, but there are people at stake here, and the way out is to seek to understand, not to condemn.

Wah lau. I think I have reminded myself why I don't blog anymore. Takes too damn long man. Now I have to rush for dinner and tango class. Few disclaimers before I go out of sheer habit: any references to gender should be taken to refer to members of either/both sex. Statements should be read in context of earlier discussions on this theme (linked above).