This is an excercise in getting you out of my system.

We were young. I place you first, usually, because it is easier somehow. I hurt you, as I was going to-- what did you expect? I'd been coddled for so long, I didn't understand what it was like to give. I didn't have the sense to end things more amicably, and you were someone I could afford to lose at the time.

You were a mistake. It should not have happened.

How did we end up this way? It's been nearly a decade and I'm still not sure what happened, exactly. I want to say I didn't know any better but that's a lie. I let myself be intoxicated and I've never fully shaken it off. Remember when you cried? I doubt even you know if that was genuine. That is my last memory of you, and it still makes me uneasy.

You didn't know what to do with me. I thought I wanted to be sensible like you, and what a damn stupid idea that was. I wasted my youth and don't tell me otherwise; nigh on my early twenties and frumpy. Gods I still get a blinding anger when I think about you.

We needed each other; I was competent enough to ride it out for that short time. I wish you well and only think of you with fondness.

I broke you because my greatest sin is anger. I broke you because I couldn't have you-- I didn't care (and still don't) that you were too naive and ignorant to even deal with yourself. You try screaming at a brick wall for a month and see what it does for you. There's a fine, fine line and I tore you apart in the end. I enjoyed it.

You were the drip antibiotics to my worst infection. I knew I had to leave the hospital one day-- you were a safe house, not a destination.

And now here I am, safe house still in sight at my six. You are... strange. You cast familiar shadows and yet at the same time you are something else. You have his brilliance, his depth for forgiveness, his wisdom, his ambition and drive. I am not whole and you don't mind, because neither are you. There is nothing to sweep under the carpet. You try to teach me that people do deserve good things in life-- I think I am beginning to understand.

I think I may be old enough, just about enough, to be able to sing that Sarah Mclachlan song now. Now I understand. And after this, I should work on Love for Sale-

Well, let it pass, he thought;
April is over, April is over.
There are all kinds of love in the world,
but never the same love twice.

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I should not be feeling this way; it is much too late in life for me to be teenagering it up. This is ridiculous.

I hate you. I still want you back, but I hate you anyway.

Oh gods, I want you back so badly it hurts like a knife in my chest.

If I can't be with him, then I don't want to be with anyone.

Yes yes, melodramatic I know. But we all need a bit of drama in our lives. Anyway jotting this down here so that I don't forget.

It was over the phone
as it always is,
in the middle of the night
filled with long periods of silence-

she wasn't enough,
he needed someone
to fall madly
and desperately
in love with,

no hesitation
no pause
without thinking
head over heels.

In the end
he does after all
need someone
smarter
and prettier
and younger

so that he wouldn't be
stuck only waiting
with his toes
just on the
edge.

She is sorry
that she wasn't enough
to send him
flying.

That it wasn't
the fucking fairy tale
we are always looking
for-

I'm not that girl.


I'm always,
never that girl.



(Original Reference Text)
I know you can't hold out forever,
for a boy who won't jump.
When he falls in love,
he just stands
with his toes on the edge
and he waits for it
to disappear again.

We will always be a little bit in love with some one else-

I am vaguely amazed that I wrote that note eleven months ago, to the date. I am also vaguely amazed that I stuck it up on the facebook where it attracted alot of attention and made some people rather alarmed. Mm I shouldn't have done that but at the time, I didn't really understand how much of a phenomenon that social networking site was becoming. I didn't understand the internet at all actually, until I sat down in class one day and really thought about it. And discovered that its kinda weird and strange and that I could spend my whole life talking about it.

I remember feeling that way. I remember feeling very bitter and confused and sad and cold, writing that. I don't write very often.

But I also remember crying when they pushed the casket that contained my grandfather's body into the furnace. For a while I cried whenever I conjured the image. Now I suppose it has faded into a feeling of not having seen someone for a long, long time. The usual way a person feels after a loved one dies, I would guess. But that has been my experience so far. It has been twelve years, three days and counting.

Its taken me not too long I hope, to see how much feelings can change. I remember the way I used to think, feel, act when I was 15, 17, 19. I think I can say why I was the way I was, but not account for all of it. I was arrogant, more than I am now and annoying to the extreme sometimes. But I'd like to think I've kept a good few friends over the years.

I keep using the words 'I remember', I know it makes me sound old. But you can be young and mull over past events too, its just that we don't do that too often. Yet at the same time I feel old because I am aware of my memories, and never thinking at the time that they'd become so treasured. I've changed more in the past year than I have in half my life. I use the words 'I remember' because the things that I want to remember suddenly seem damn important.

I remember the good bits of my life. The singing, the warm stolen afternoons, the new emotions. They're really important because they are special to me, and everyone needs these things so that we don't all go crazy. Its quite simple, but I had to go far away for university to figure it out.

I am grateful for having figured out alot of things here actually. I feel comfortable in my own skin now.

I don't write very often. When I write its usually because I am upset, because that's when words are worth putting down. I'm not upset now though, which is curious.

I would like to write more. I find that there are many interesting things on the internet to write about. Besides, the internet weblog is what I understand, rather than the etiquette of networking sites. I will find more time to write.

I'm ok, all things considered.

Society issues aren't getting me down, I'm done and through with having to deal with any of that. I'm lucky to have nice people around.

Was poking around my archives the other day; I get the feeling that I was somehow much more interesting in the past? Or maybe its just a lack of posts now, that makes comparison a bit wonky.

I love that I found delicious.com! I am a bit of an internet pack rat, but instead of storing links in my browser everything gets uploaded onto the site. 89 links at the last count, and I've only had it for 2 months or so. Is brilliant, since I always get annoyed when reformatting my laptop wipes out bookmarks.

In other news, the postmodernism unit is Getting Me Down. I don't know why I made the very unsound choice of reading Trainspotting and Fight Club in three days. When I finished the latter at 2 in the morning I couldn't get to sleep. Talk about overdose. Now, light reading means short stories, exploring various ideas like male pregnancy or a sympathetic incestuous relationship (Octavia E. Butler). It isn't as bad as it sounds, mostly because she's a great writer.

I have a flight back in the first week of December, so I'll be seeing you soon :)

Aaaaarrrrgghhh! Why are you such a fuckwit! I give you something to do means you don't copy and paste and send it to someone else! How hard is it to rephrase me?! I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say that you gotta do everything yourself.

I am ok, but a bit stressed out. Cheered up by what I'm taking this semester, so cool. And I'll be back in December! Miss you LOTS Jenny Darling~!

The cold is setting in. I need one cream for my eczema, one for cold rash and one for general moisturising. The smell of cream has always reminded me of June holidays and waking up with blood under my nails. 6 doctors, that took. From then on I have always been resigned to having crap skin. It is worse here. Well, at least there isn't sports to sit out of anymore.

My mother, when she called that week, asked me if I was happy. If I was still punching walls or upset in any way.

I told her yes, I am. I look forward to going for classes (even the ones dominated by excitable American exchange students) and devour readings. I like to spend time eating ice cream in Newtown and having coffee on City Road, going to the zoo to oogle apathetic animals, sleepovers, bottles of wine, potlucks, wrapping up for cold weather, watching the leaves turn, walking through the city in the dark with him, adding to my bookshelf.

I told her I was happy.

Honest.

It's not a fantastic idea to tag me given that the first sentence of my three is: "[(a) subject to subsections (2A) and 2(B), state the number of shares comprised in that share capital in which the person making the notification knows he had material interests immediately after the time when the obligation arose, or...]"

I don't think anyone is interested in the next two sentences. On the other hand, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a cheeky book hidden in my drawer (which is further from me than my statue book).

"But there were many journalists present and events immediately found their way into the press. Shelley wrote the angry and impassioned poem 'The Masque of Anarchy' as a response. Though there was widespread outrage, the government of the day supported the army and the magistrates."-- Pies and Prejudice: In search of the North, by Stuart Maconie.

Glor, you've only posted one sentence. It says you should post three sentences.

Book meme!

Tagged by a Khayce.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Am reading Dreams of Speaking by Gail Jones for my lit class.

... families, tragically distinctive, but blendings of each, patched compositions. So it was between siblings, who moved in and out of contact, and parents and children, who shared immense histories, in which nothing was irrelevant, but learn and relearn, and then relearn again, how to get on in the demanding present.

(and the paragraph ends)

I tagg~

My sister
Bern
Alexial
Scha
Jenny

Oh! You are talking about me here also? You who cannot even match my face to my name? I thought I had met many, but it seems that you are in vast supply!

Oh! You make me feel like a celebrity!

I am not dead yet! But been too busy (plus have temperamental laptop) to blog or even come online.

I am fine. My laptop is more or less ok too. Its a bit like having to deal with a person, can't hit it, can't yell at it and needs constant love and attention. But less now, for the time being at least.

I was mighty glad to have Tor around for three weeks around Christmas. Now I like pretending that she doesn't live across several continents but rather an uncomfortably long train ride away. It makes me less sad, that way.

Christmas was both ok and an accident at the same time. We had turkey for the first time! No one knew how to carve it until my sister said that she'd seen a picture in the papers once. To go with the turkey my aunt had made paste from this nut thing, you could call it the Indonesian version of truffles. Usually its made into curry but she turned it into this wonderful smooth gravy to go with the turkey. And then we all fell ill. My dad threw up twice that day, my aunt got hospitalised and I thew up a day after. Apparently it was gastric something or other.

For those of you who didn't know, my sister has a cataract in her left eye. She is ok but it's bloody stupid to have a cataract operation at her age so she's going to wait til it gets bigger, say maybe at 40 or so. On the other hand, my mum is going to fix her right cataract in two months.

Eldred is back for Gerri's wedding. A tight fit, since he's leaving a day after the dinner (me too, for that matter). But it should be fine. In the meantime, I am learning life skills from this episode, like being able to tell what's none of my business.

I have been eating a lot of nice fu:d! Only fell ill once, thankyouverymuch. And why is it that all Chinese New Year goodies are heaty? Heaty as in, you will come down with sore throat and fever and all that. How you feel like eating too much chocolate. Or too much ba kwa (yes Jenny muchly thinking of you), or prawn rolls or love letters or that soft white cakey thing that crumbles and melts in your mouth. Well, on the other hand I think oranges rather offset that.

So I have finally got Matt on facebook. I have a picture of myself and Justin on my profile, so all his friends who poked around asked if he'd had plastic surgery. And to watch out because apparently me taking pictures with other guys I'm fond of and posting them is a bad thing? What rubbish.

So like that. I have read lots of books during this holiday. I think I might be overdosing on the military science fiction also. I am now sad that Starship Troopers was such an astoundingly awful movie.

Ok have to go eat dinner now.

So I am back in Singapore. I quite like the weather actually, not having to carry a jacket around. I do still wear hats though, mostly because that's just fun really. On the other hand, I probably shouldn't have brought my jeans back. That is, all 5 pairs of them. Ah well, I'll just put them to good use.

When you live alone, it is the odd little things that suddenly become important. If an article of clothing is cheap and looks nice but too much trouble to wash, for instance. And timing your laundry and sleep patterns. Remembering to eat.

Now that I'm back with my parents, I really appreciate the washing machine, floors that are not carpeted, tv that has more than 4 channels and unlimited broadband. Oh and don't forget the food. Food makes me unreasonably happy.

I have to stop to consider bus routes now, since I can't quite remember what goes where so well anymore. And also have to remind myself that my parents have to pay for electricity. Having a metal key to open the main door is so satisfying somehow?

The independence is missed though. Even if I did have a good few hours out with old friends Friday night, coming home to people who are not also students somehow doesn't sit well. But it was a damn good evening, sitting on the floor of her bedroom and being so utterly frank with each other. We can't have a conversation like that with many other people. We'd get stared at, for one. Or smacked.

HAHahahaaaaa I'm having pepper crab for dinner tonight~!! Fat Sri Lankan crabs ahahahahahhahaaaaaa~~~!!!

I'm kind of bored and I haven't put a meme on my blogspot for the longest time.


1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you slept in a bed with?
Mister Lim.

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Badde Manors, at Glebe. I have discovered they have amazing cider there.

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
An Oyster Bay rose.

4. How many others have you cheated on?
None. Cheated with, one.

5. What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body?
Both can be disguised with clothes or make up, so I'd have to go with personality also. If you can disguise that, then I think you're worth talking to.

6. What is the value of all the jewelry on you?
One side of a pair of diamond earrings my mum got for me. I'm not sure how much it cost.

7. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Arts please!

8. When was the last time you got a good workout?
Sex is exercise right? Then... Saturday I suppose.

9. Best kind of pizza?
I like meat.

10. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go first?
Seeing as how I got a new pair recently... either that jeans store on Oxford street or Myers.

11. Where did your last hug take place?
Sunday night.

12. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Saturday night?
Watching House, methinks.

13. Are you a quitter?
Yarh no kidding, I've kind of given up on my exams already.

14. Who was the last person you had in your room?
Artee, the girl who lives next door.

15. Is your bedroom window open?
Yes.

16. Can you speak another language?
Enough Chinese to get a discount in a land full of white people.

17. How about put your legs behind your head?
Can't!

18. What is in store for your future?
Maybe teaching. Yes, I have just admitted this to myself.

19. Who was the last band you saw live?
The Bon Jovi Show at Scruffy's.

20. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
Never on drugs, on alcohol a few weeks back. And happyness, quite often.

21. Do you take care of your friends while they're sick?
Sadly, I get conned into this quite easily.

22. What is your favorite soda?
Cider can be fizzy, does that count?

23. How many songs are on your iTunes?
No clue. Pushing two thousand tracks I reckon.

24. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
My return ticket... or maybe my rent?

25. Have you been through driver's ed yet?
I be lazy please.

26. What will you be next school year?
First year, second semester. For some reason I'll be doing my senior elective, which is gender studies for second year students. On the bright side, I'll only have one exam at the end of it, I believe.

27. Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
Any one of the gamers, Jenny, Bern, Tora, 'Lecky, Nick from second year commerce (I surprise myself with that), Jerrick, Eldred, Victoria, Mavis, just to name a few.

28. Where was the last place you drove to?
Being in the car, seeing as how I can't drive... to the airport for Krisy Kreme, then to Surrey Hills for dinner, next to King's Cross and finally back. Car being Eric's Mazda.

29. Nickname?
I tolerate a few people calling me Glor, Ed is the only one to call me lolia. Other than that I have no fondness for nicknames.

30. Are you experienced?
I'd have to go with Tora on this one. At what, exactly?

31. Any historical figures that you envy?
Well, sometimes I wish I were dead too.

32. Describe what you're wearing in detail?
Faded IJ PE shorts, non descript grey green three quarter sleeve top that makes me look a tad boyish.

33. What brand of digital camera do you own?
My phone has a camera. And I guess I own Victoria's second hand five year old camera that is so super high tech that it has to be held together with duct tape.

34. What do you think about people who party a lot?
Some of us still have exams to study for you know. Take the party somewhere else where we can't hear you.

35. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
HAHAHahahaaa. Is that a trick question?

36. What makes a perfect evening?
Home cooked meal and good wine to wash it down, along with good conversation and laughter.

37. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house?
The one I am in now, Mister Lim. The one in Sg, I think Scha.

38. iPod?
30GB, black. Name of Calien. 2/3rds full.

39. How often do you tan, if you do at all?
I don't tan, I burn. Which hurts. So I'd have to say no, I don't like bleeding under my skin all that much.

40. What was the last CD you purchased?
Apocalyptica, plays Metallica with four cellos.

41. Have you ever been offered a job?
Yes.

42. What are two bands/singers that you will always love?
There are so many! One that springs to mind is Anberlin.

43. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
Is there ever anything worth stealing off a road?

44. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Eric.

45. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
Sloth.

46. Do you do homework in coffee shops?
All the time.

--

1. What will we call you?
Gloria. Sometimes I answer to Sarah, if you're calling from a register.

2. And how old might you be?
19. I'm feeling old.

3. Who sleeps in the same house as you?
No one? Hundreds of people in the same block though.

4. Suppose you see your crush/boy/girl friend kissing another person, what would you do?
I'd have to agree with 'lec, watch. Then when he realises I'm there I'll just sit and wait for whatever amusing explanation he can concoct.

5. Yay you got a free holiday, South America or North Korea?
North Korea because its so damn difficult to get in.

6. What would you do if a teacher of the opposite sex hit on you?
Be amused. I'd reciprocate depending on age and marital status. If not too old and single to boot, it would be interesting. Especially if he were a relief teacher only.

7. Right now do you prefer a Strawberry Milkshake or a Banana Cupcake?
I dislike strawberry so the cupcake.

8. Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
Both mobile and landline, yes.

9. Wait, are you a guy or a chick?
Chick but I have guy tendencies sometimes (well, I game). Have also passed off as a guy before, when I had very short hair some time ago.

10. What are you wearing?
Why do you repeat yourself?

11. What color is the thing you are sitting on right now?
Black. Also sitting on the corner of a yellow jacket.

12. Are you doing this just because you're bored?
No kidding.

13. What is bothering you right now?
I have one paper on Wednesday and two on Thursday.

14. Who do you think you're going to spend New Year's with?
Family, then Mister Lim, if i get my way.

15. Was last New Year's enjoyable?
I was waitressing, which I am quite fond of. We saw fireworks from where we were too.

16. I'll betcha you miss someone right now.
I miss lots of people.

17. And they would be where?
In Melbourne, Houston, London, Tokyo, Singapore and across the university campus.

18. Can you type over 60 words per minute?
I don't know? Depends on the keyboard.

19. Are you high?
Will be after my last paper on Thursday.

20. McDonalds or KFC?
Macker's has better fries, KFC has nice coleslaw. I haven't had either since I got here.

21. Krispy Kreme, Donut King or Wendy's?
Krispy Kreme please!

22. Target, Wal-Mart or K-Mart?
Clothes from all three don't fit, I be too small.

Questions 23-29 have been eaten up by aliens.

30. If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it?
Spend it on nice food, because there is no such thing as nice cheap food here.

31. If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
Why not?

32. What time is it?
Estimation... nearly 6.

33. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing.

34. Would you ever become a vegetarian or even vegan?
Maybe, but I like meat as much as veges or fruits.

35. Where are you right now?
My place. That has no kitchen.

36. Do you think your crush likes another person?
Well, he always says he'd do Jessica Alba.

37. What is your desktop picture?
Two wooden chairs on the coast of... I can't remember.

38. Can you swim well?
I can float and get myself from point A to point B.

39. Do you shop for clothes?
Seldom, but if there is a reason I would. I have nothing to wear for Gerri's wedding, for one, seeing as how I don't have proper green or beige anythings.

40. Do you have a guitar in your house?
In Sg an acoustic one hangs on the wall, belonging to my father.

41. Are you listening to music right now?
No.

42. In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Both. My hoodie is the warmer one, and also the most expensive.

43. How long can you go without your mobile phone?
Not long. I use it as a watch also.

43. Do you have any enemies?
Maybe? There were alot of people in school who didn't like me very much.

44. What are you doing?
Answering this meme and chatting to Jenny and Gerri over MSN.

45. Is your bed made of metal or wood?
The frame is metal, the support is wood.

46. What does your tenth text say?
"Got laundry you need done? Im going tonight for discount if you want to come" from Russell who lives in the block across. Our laundromat has a 20%ish discount between midnight and 6 in the morning.

47. How much cash is in your wallet?
Maybe 6 dollars. I don't like carrying cash around.

48. Ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
Nope.

49. What last made you sad?
Seeing my name as an answer to one of the questions in the meme by two other people. Sad that we are so geographically far apart now.

50. What’s the best way to say I love you?
Cleaning up your boyfriend's puke while he passes out. Then being half awake the whole night to make sure he pukes in the right direction, if at all.

51. What’s the worst way to say I love you?
Being the person to get your boyfriend shit faced in the first place.

52. What did you dream last night?
Bandung, that is milk with rose syrup.

53. What are you worried about?
My three papers.

54. What are you doing tomorrow?
Going over my phenomenology and epistemology notes again. Thank god I'm not doing philo next year.

Spring is strange. There are some days when it is nearly as warm as Singapore yet there are bouts of cold too. I've had to take out my winter gear (see: hats scarves gloves). I've caught myself doing what I used to think of as an odd thing to do, when my sister came home after her first semester; stick my arm out the window to check the temperature and therefore decide what's appropriate to wear.

I haven't actually seen anyone else do it though. Erm.